When I think about the word "change," I immediately cringe and link it to the word "uncertainty." Both are things that I do not handle well for the most part. At one point in my life I was able to view change more like growth. To be quite honest, it's hard to be optimistic about it right now. This is probably due to the fact that the most significant changes in the last decade have been divorcing parents, dealing with disorders within the highly stigmatized "mental health" category, and getting married to the Army. Although getting married and gaining a new family is a wonderful thing, it definitely brings its own stress. I think the hardest part about all of this is how all of it practically defines the fact that I truly have no control over how my life will be played out. It just seems that as soon as things feel like they fall into place, my panic attacks come back, or Mike has to have surgery, or some one in my family has a crisis, or good ol' uncle sam comes knockin' on the door again.
As Mike endured his surgeries and doctor appointments and all of that wonderful BS, we took the time to make sure that we had a plan....a flexible plan. But guess who walked in the door to blow our plans to smitherines? Yep, our little friend change.
So, Mike's foot has been feeling stronger lately. Suddenly within the last couple of months, all of our plans changed and Mike has already begun training for deployment. He's already been gone for a 3 week chunk and there will be two more 4-week chunks within the next four months that he will have to leave again.... and then deployment for a year.....*sigh*....bye-bye plans a, b, c....
What does this mean? Well, it means that we will have to put off starting a family for another couple of years. It means that I will have to start coming up with a plan for how I am going to handle my disorders on my own. It means that I will have to swallow my pride and ask for help...a lot. It means that I will no longer have my faithful one-man cheering squad as I earn my status as a marathon maniac, or run my first 50k, or whatever. I have to think about the things that I don't want to think about, just so I will have a plan.....just in case.
Obviously, I am not looking forward to the next year and a half....but I know something good will come out of it. I know I will become a stronger person, whether I want to or not. One thing I've got going for me right now is an amazing circle of friends that know me better than family. I've got awesome neighbors and a somewhat stable job in a crappy economy. I have two loyal pets and a cozy home. I live in a safe neighborhood. I've got more than many people do. I'll be fine, just not always happy. Best of all, no matter what change happens, I can always go for a run.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Good run, no glory. :(
Well, despite being a little nervous about doing 20 miles after my little injury, it turned out to be a good run. I thought it would be boring because I knew I'd come in close to last, if not DFL, due to planned walk breaks every mile. Fortunately, we (me and another run club buddy) came across a nice lady who just happened to be running the same pace with the same walk breaks. Her and I talked the whole time which made 20 miles feel more like 12 miles. Yay! I felt bad because my run club buddy had to go it alone in order to maintain a comfy pace for her. When I saw that she was doing well and found others to run ahead with her, I felt a little better about it. By the 10 mile turn around, we were able to confirm that we were DFL, but that didn't bother me, as my goal was to finish without any foot pain.
The only thing that really irked me about this race is that all of the support crew people left their stations before we got to them on the way back. Yes, they had been out there a while, but we were paying participants, and just because we did not "race" the distance, doesn't mean we don't deserve the support. At each water station, the guy picking up all of the supplies would wait until we came by to slurp up the last of the gatorade and water and then he would put everything away. We really appreciated that at least HE was willing to wait for us. The most disappointing part was to get to the finish area to find that there was no finish line, no timer....nothing! We walked inside and rushed over to the guy typing up the results. He had already packed up his computer and wouldn't even take down our times to input them later! It's not like we walked the whole thing. We averaged and 11-minute pace...in any marathon there are usually tons of people running this pace. Worst of all, no potatoes!!! We were starving. We even had a little conversation about how we like to eat our potatoes during the run and truly looked forward to that. I didn't even care that we missed the awards ceremony, but we really felt neglected. Makes me wonder if it would have been more worthwhile to skip out on the series to go run a different race with some friends.
On a good note, I did make another running friend, who just happens to be a marathon maniac. And I achieved my goal; I finished pain free! Whoo hoo!
The only thing that really irked me about this race is that all of the support crew people left their stations before we got to them on the way back. Yes, they had been out there a while, but we were paying participants, and just because we did not "race" the distance, doesn't mean we don't deserve the support. At each water station, the guy picking up all of the supplies would wait until we came by to slurp up the last of the gatorade and water and then he would put everything away. We really appreciated that at least HE was willing to wait for us. The most disappointing part was to get to the finish area to find that there was no finish line, no timer....nothing! We walked inside and rushed over to the guy typing up the results. He had already packed up his computer and wouldn't even take down our times to input them later! It's not like we walked the whole thing. We averaged and 11-minute pace...in any marathon there are usually tons of people running this pace. Worst of all, no potatoes!!! We were starving. We even had a little conversation about how we like to eat our potatoes during the run and truly looked forward to that. I didn't even care that we missed the awards ceremony, but we really felt neglected. Makes me wonder if it would have been more worthwhile to skip out on the series to go run a different race with some friends.
On a good note, I did make another running friend, who just happens to be a marathon maniac. And I achieved my goal; I finished pain free! Whoo hoo!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The "I" word (insert scary music here)
I = Injury. Yep. Not sure to what extent, but I decided to cut my run very short this morning. All has been well in training up to this point. I even toughed out a 19-20 miler in hail, wind, sleet, and snow last week.
When I put my running shoes on this morning, the tops of my feet sort of felt bruised or sore, but after about 1/2 mile of running, they felt just fine. About 1/4 mile into the run, however, I stumbled a little on a trail as I was preparing to hop over a little log. I walked it off, felt no pain or discomfort and proceeded to run. About 4.5 miles later, however, the top of my right foot started hurting again. I stopped and walked and wiggled it around a little. Every time I curled my toes or pointed my foot, I would get a shooting pain from my big toe to the part where the foot becomes the shin. As long as I kept a dorsal flexed foot, I would not get that pain. So, with some upcoming races on the calendar, I decided to listen to my body and cut my run short. I immediately headed to Starbucks and got a bag of ice. After icing it down for about 20 minutes, the pain was almost gone. The area is still tender to the touch, but I am just going to keep doing the RICE thing (but probably without the "C") throughout the day and see how it feels tomorrow.
You know, very rarely do I ever have a good reason to cut a run short. It was very hard for me to walk away from this run today. I was really feeling good. I still feel like I could go out and do another 15, but my foot disagrees. 98 percent of my body feels like a cheater now. I am going to keep a positive and flexible mindset...if it means I need to walk, or crawl, or even roll through my marathons, I will do what I need to do to be able to meet my goals without further injury.
When I put my running shoes on this morning, the tops of my feet sort of felt bruised or sore, but after about 1/2 mile of running, they felt just fine. About 1/4 mile into the run, however, I stumbled a little on a trail as I was preparing to hop over a little log. I walked it off, felt no pain or discomfort and proceeded to run. About 4.5 miles later, however, the top of my right foot started hurting again. I stopped and walked and wiggled it around a little. Every time I curled my toes or pointed my foot, I would get a shooting pain from my big toe to the part where the foot becomes the shin. As long as I kept a dorsal flexed foot, I would not get that pain. So, with some upcoming races on the calendar, I decided to listen to my body and cut my run short. I immediately headed to Starbucks and got a bag of ice. After icing it down for about 20 minutes, the pain was almost gone. The area is still tender to the touch, but I am just going to keep doing the RICE thing (but probably without the "C") throughout the day and see how it feels tomorrow.
You know, very rarely do I ever have a good reason to cut a run short. It was very hard for me to walk away from this run today. I was really feeling good. I still feel like I could go out and do another 15, but my foot disagrees. 98 percent of my body feels like a cheater now. I am going to keep a positive and flexible mindset...if it means I need to walk, or crawl, or even roll through my marathons, I will do what I need to do to be able to meet my goals without further injury.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Finding me, little by little
Each week I am feeling more and more like I am back to my old self - the one that wishes nothing more than to have all of the time in the world to run whenever I want. For the first time in a very long time, I am planning to do a 20 miler alone and I am not worried about it. You see, one side effect of panic disorder is something called anticipatory anxiety, where you start to worry/get anxious about the fact that you might have another panic attack soon. It's a very torturous emotional state that you can't understand unless you live it. Fortunately, my only recent attacks have occurred when I was sleeping and in the safety of my own bed. It's almost as though my body has forgotten how to panic in public. I'm sure I will recall such memories when times get more stressed, but right now I am honestly not worried about it. Pfew! I never thought that I would ever get to this point in being able to manage this. In fact, the thing I am worried about most for this weekend is the fact that my faithful garmin is in "a coma" and I may have to estimate my mileage for the first time in weeks. I have become addicted to the many statistics that this little watch has provided me lately. Now I have to revert back to my good ol' I-pod, where I time my water and fuel breaks by the number of songs I have listened to. I'm still fascinated by all the little mental games I need to play in order to get myself through a run, and despite the fact that I actually love running.
On a more humorous note, in my rush out the door this evening, I accidentally put my running pants on backwards! They felt a little strange, which made me wonder if I had recently gained some weight; but when I stepped out of the truck and searched for a key pocket, I discovered the tags....in the front!! LOL! Lucky me, the park restrooms were open so I only had to run with ill-fitting pants for about 3/4 of a mile. :)
Yep...I'm definitely myself again...
On a more humorous note, in my rush out the door this evening, I accidentally put my running pants on backwards! They felt a little strange, which made me wonder if I had recently gained some weight; but when I stepped out of the truck and searched for a key pocket, I discovered the tags....in the front!! LOL! Lucky me, the park restrooms were open so I only had to run with ill-fitting pants for about 3/4 of a mile. :)
Yep...I'm definitely myself again...
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