Today's thoughts while running...

• If I expect to feel crappy for the first 5-10 minutes of my run, knowing that once I warm up I will feel great, then getting started ain't so bad.
• As a runner, I feel so incredibly fortunate to live in the Pacific Northwest.
• I strongly believe that if I can maintain marathon level fitness, I can completely do away with my routine panic/anxiety medications. That would be awesome!
• I wish I had a blue Subaru Forrester with a bike rack and a sun roof. I also wish I had a million dollars. Then I could drive the country and run 50 states. Yeah, that would be cool.
• I wonder if Mike will manage to get back from NTC without hurting himself. Then he could run with the club again! Yay!
• Oh, back to wishing I had a million dollars...I would also hire a landscape designer and some landscapers to help me make my yard become a botanical heaven.
• I just realized how much meeting with the running club and running in general has become a routine fact of life. That's kinda nice, I think.
  
• And finally....masters project, masters project, masters project....oh crap, I better getting working on that today!

Happy running everyone!

Round 2 "Ding Ding!"

It's official. I'm registered for the Tacoma City Marathon. Race #2 in my quest to become a maniac. I'm still bummed that I can't go down to the redwoods this year, but being in my hometown with familiar faces is a good thing too. Plus, this will be my first time doing the full marathon in Tacoma. I've always been a volunteer. The hills shall be a good fun challenge.

April 20th Update: Yesterday I ran 14.76 miles with Angela. We did three loops around Pt. Defiance just to make sure we still had our marathon legs ready for Tacoma. It was a beautiful, beautiful morning and a good, challenging run. I am now feeling much more confident about this hilly marathon, especially because we averaged about one minute faster per mile than I did in Yakima. Woo hoo! I just have to remember to start out sssssssssloooooow because I just found out that the course now includes Vassault Hill, which will come shortly after the climb up to Ruston, the hilly 5 mile drive and that "dip and climb" after you come out of the park. Yay! We love hills (you decide if this last sentence is realistic or sarcastic...i'm not sure right now).

Report: Yakima River Canyon Marathon

And so I have begun my 3-in-3 race plan to become a marathon maniac. I have to say that I couldn't have chosen a better marathon to start off this journey. I had no idea what to expect, because I heard a lot of great things about this race. I also had my worries that it would be desolate and boring, based on my personal opinions about that area of Washington State. Much to my surprise, this turned out to be a wonderful, well-organized race with some of the best scenery so far. The walls off the Canyon sported great rock formations mixed with desert type foliage and a few small farms. The base of the canyon held the peaceful Yakima River, which looked quite inviting, especially when there is no shade in sight. There is something very majestic about being in a canyon. I felt very tiny and amazed by nature. I think those who live here are very, very lucky.

Two days before the marathon I started to get that pre-race excitement that makes it hard to focus on other things. By the end of the day, however, I started feeling like I was coming down with something and my sinuses hurt. Without hesitation I sucked down my Airborne tablets and rested whenever possible. By Friday, I was starting to doubt myself. Worries that I had not trained enough, or that I would feel even worse on marathon day started to cloud my head. I also have had some "down" days lately and I started to wonder if those stressors would consume me during the race. I had a really hard time getting to sleep. I had to get up to pee literally every 20-30 minutes, which I think had to be a combination of nervousness and my body fighting off this sinus thing. I even had one of my oh-so-familiar panic attacks. The longer I struggled to sleep, the more doubtful I became. Eventually, I was just too exhausted to care and I managed about 5 hours with some pee breaks. It really helped to have Mike there to remind me of all of the things in life that I had already overcome and this was just one little marathon. I had already trainined and I had a plan. There was nothing more I could do but get my butt out there and run my best.





A few of the Puyallup Y-run club girls getting ready before the race.







Race morning was full of positive energy, sunshine and very cold temperatures. Even with three layers, a beanie cap, gloves and a jacket I was freezing my tooshie off! I think it was 28 degrees or something like that. As soon as we all gathered to the start line, all of those previous doubts were gone. I also decided not to display my time or mile splits. Instead, my garmin fields included total calories burned (this is very motivating), total distance to the 100th of a mile (which is necessary to follow through with planned walk and fuel breaks), and total average pace (which helps me monitor if I am pushing too hard or not hard enough without worrying about total time). The next thing I did was give myself permission to not have any other goals besides to finish feeling good. It's amazing how much stress that takes off of the run.







Finally getting feeling back in my hands, feet and face around mile 3.





I was really pleased with how the whole thing was put together. It was well organized and the aid stations were in just the right places. I never felt like I would be compromising progress or my overall plan when I had to stop at an aid station. Honestly, the only one that was hard to stop at was the last one because it was halfway down the hill and I had gathered up great momentum. I even told them that they should have an emergency pull off ramp like they do for semi-trucks on some mountain passes. I really have to give a huge thumbs up to all of the race support people. Everyone was so encouraging and accommodating. I never came across anyone that wasn't willing to help or that was stupid enough to try to tell me that I was "almost there" at mile 20. Best of all, I came across a lot of running buddies throughout the course who were also racing that day. This was quite helpful since I currently do not have a functioning I-pod.

The first 15 miles or so were very easy going. I walked about every mile for about one minute. I made sure to soak in the scenery and enjoy the rising, but still very mild temperature. At about mile 15.5, my feet started reminding me about that little injury that I had three weeks ago. The road way was rarely level, so I probably added an extra 1/4 to 1/3 of a mile to my total distance as I would weave from one side of the road to the other trying to find the flattest part. Most of the time I ran in the gravel, hugging the guard rail, but that became hard on the calves at times. By mile 16 I decided to give myself permission to walk whenever I felt like it. That translated into taking a short walk break or alternating walks and runs on all of the inclines and then letting gravity pull me on the down hills. I eventually had to whip out the ibuprofen because my foot was nagging me and starting to bring a little self-doubt with it. By mile 19 I realized that I was still feeling relatively strong compared to my previous marathons. My legs only barely ached. This was very good!

When mile 20 came around, I started to worry a little bit about "the hill" that everyone was talking about. This is a 1+ mile incline situated in the race around the time that many people "bonk" or hit "the wall." That stupid little doubt goblin kept bugging me. I shooed him out by realizing that quitting now would be embarrassing and turning back would just be ridiculous. Then I found my distraction - a series of hand-made signs placed every 100 meters or so. Luckily for me, I had my cell phone with me, so I had a great excuse to take frequent breaks up the hill to take pictures of the signs. About halfway up the hill was a lady with a little boombox cheering me on, playing YMCA, and dancing around. Yes! Another great moment of encouragement, at just right place and just the right time. Thanks lady, whoever you are! They also made sure that the accomplishment of making it to the top didn't go unnoticed. In addition to one more encouraging sign was another little boombox playing Olympics music! Nice!

The veiw as we came down the other side of the hill was wonderful. The river water reflected the deep blue sky and was lined with some humble evergreen trees. At this point in the race is when all doubt finally disappeared and I knew it was going to be a good marathon. For the first time ever, I made it to mile 23 without hitting "the wall" and my legs felt pretty good. This is when I decided that it was okay to push a little harder and not worry about saving anything for the end. For the next three miles, I gradually passed people and made sure to say "good job" to each and every one of them. I was pretty certain that many of them weren't feeling as good as I was and I would have needed every ounce of encouragement if I were in their shoes. The finish line came up pretty quickly...again, a new marathon experience for me...and I instantly spotted my faithful #1 fan, my hubby, waiting to snap a picture and cheer me on.

Another great thing about small races is that the finish line announcer introduces you as you cross the finish line. I think that is so cool! Sometimes people would cross and the announcer would tell us that this was their first marathon or their 100th marathon or 200th marathon or 600th marathon. Regardless this was quite inspiring.

The next couple of hours after finishing, my body reminded me that I was still trying to get over that stupid sinus infection. My tummy was a bit queasy and I had a little bit of a head ache. A delightful meal of burger and fries from Sonic did the trick and we were headed back home. At this point, I was surprised that my body did not have the unbearable ache that it usually does after marathons; but after getting stuck for a couple of extra hours trying to drive over the pass and having to sit still in the car, my body began to remind me of what it had just endured. We finally got home at 8:30pm and getting out of the car was rough. My hips were really sore from having to run on slanted roads all day. My feet were swollen and I also discovered that I had gotten sunburned - another marathon first for me. I stretched out for about 30 minutes before sucking down lots of water and lying down to catch up on all of the sleep I had lost the night before.

All-in-all, this was a wonderful marathon experience. I am proud of myself for pushing past my moments of doubt and allowing myself to enjoy my run. I listened to my body and did everything right to achieve my goal. I almost can't wait until my next race.

Change

When I think about the word "change," I immediately cringe and link it to the word "uncertainty." Both are things that I do not handle well for the most part. At one point in my life I was able to view change more like growth. To be quite honest, it's hard to be optimistic about it right now. This is probably due to the fact that the most significant changes in the last decade have been divorcing parents, dealing with disorders within the highly stigmatized "mental health" category, and getting married to the Army. Although getting married and gaining a new family is a wonderful thing, it definitely brings its own stress. I think the hardest part about all of this is how all of it practically defines the fact that I truly have no control over how my life will be played out. It just seems that as soon as things feel like they fall into place, my panic attacks come back, or Mike has to have surgery, or some one in my family has a crisis, or good ol' uncle sam comes knockin' on the door again.

As Mike endured his surgeries and doctor appointments and all of that wonderful BS, we took the time to make sure that we had a plan....a flexible plan. But guess who walked in the door to blow our plans to smitherines? Yep, our little friend change.

So, Mike's foot has been feeling stronger lately. Suddenly within the last couple of months, all of our plans changed and Mike has already begun training for deployment. He's already been gone for a 3 week chunk and there will be two more 4-week chunks within the next four months that he will have to leave again.... and then deployment for a year.....*sigh*....bye-bye plans a, b, c....

What does this mean? Well, it means that we will have to put off starting a family for another couple of years. It means that I will have to start coming up with a plan for how I am going to handle my disorders on my own. It means that I will have to swallow my pride and ask for help...a lot. It means that I will no longer have my faithful one-man cheering squad as I earn my status as a marathon maniac, or run my first 50k, or whatever. I have to think about the things that I don't want to think about, just so I will have a plan.....just in case.

Obviously, I am not looking forward to the next year and a half....but I know something good will come out of it. I know I will become a stronger person, whether I want to or not. One thing I've got going for me right now is an amazing circle of friends that know me better than family. I've got awesome neighbors and a somewhat stable job in a crappy economy. I have two loyal pets and a cozy home. I live in a safe neighborhood. I've got more than many people do. I'll be fine, just not always happy. Best of all, no matter what change happens, I can always go for a run.

Good run, no glory. :(

Well, despite being a little nervous about doing 20 miles after my little injury, it turned out to be a good run. I thought it would be boring because I knew I'd come in close to last, if not DFL, due to planned walk breaks every mile. Fortunately, we (me and another run club buddy) came across a nice lady who just happened to be running the same pace with the same walk breaks. Her and I talked the whole time which made 20 miles feel more like 12 miles. Yay! I felt bad because my run club buddy had to go it alone in order to maintain a comfy pace for her. When I saw that she was doing well and found others to run ahead with her, I felt a little better about it. By the 10 mile turn around, we were able to confirm that we were DFL, but that didn't bother me, as my goal was to finish without any foot pain.

The only thing that really irked me about this race is that all of the support crew people left their stations before we got to them on the way back. Yes, they had been out there a while, but we were paying participants, and just because we did not "race" the distance, doesn't mean we don't deserve the support. At each water station, the guy picking up all of the supplies would wait until we came by to slurp up the last of the gatorade and water and then he would put everything away. We really appreciated that at least HE was willing to wait for us. The most disappointing part was to get to the finish area to find that there was no finish line, no timer....nothing! We walked inside and rushed over to the guy typing up the results. He had already packed up his computer and wouldn't even take down our times to input them later! It's not like we walked the whole thing. We averaged and 11-minute pace...in any marathon there are usually tons of people running this pace. Worst of all, no potatoes!!! We were starving. We even had a little conversation about how we like to eat our potatoes during the run and truly looked forward to that. I didn't even care that we missed the awards ceremony, but we really felt neglected. Makes me wonder if it would have been more worthwhile to skip out on the series to go run a different race with some friends.

On a good note, I did make another running friend, who just happens to be a marathon maniac. And I achieved my goal; I finished pain free! Whoo hoo!

The "I" word (insert scary music here)

I = Injury. Yep. Not sure to what extent, but I decided to cut my run very short this morning. All has been well in training up to this point. I even toughed out a 19-20 miler in hail, wind, sleet, and snow last week.

When I put my running shoes on this morning, the tops of my feet sort of felt bruised or sore, but after about 1/2 mile of running, they felt just fine. About 1/4 mile into the run, however, I stumbled a little on a trail as I was preparing to hop over a little log. I walked it off, felt no pain or discomfort and proceeded to run. About 4.5 miles later, however, the top of my right foot started hurting again. I stopped and walked and wiggled it around a little. Every time I curled my toes or pointed my foot, I would get a shooting pain from my big toe to the part where the foot becomes the shin. As long as I kept a dorsal flexed foot, I would not get that pain. So, with some upcoming races on the calendar, I decided to listen to my body and cut my run short. I immediately headed to Starbucks and got a bag of ice. After icing it down for about 20 minutes, the pain was almost gone. The area is still tender to the touch, but I am just going to keep doing the RICE thing (but probably without the "C") throughout the day and see how it feels tomorrow.

You know, very rarely do I ever have a good reason to cut a run short. It was very hard for me to walk away from this run today. I was really feeling good. I still feel like I could go out and do another 15, but my foot disagrees. 98 percent of my body feels like a cheater now. I am going to keep a positive and flexible mindset...if it means I need to walk, or crawl, or even roll through my marathons, I will do what I need to do to be able to meet my goals without further injury.

Finding me, little by little

Each week I am feeling more and more like I am back to my old self - the one that wishes nothing more than to have all of the time in the world to run whenever I want. For the first time in a very long time, I am planning to do a 20 miler alone and I am not worried about it. You see, one side effect of panic disorder is something called anticipatory anxiety, where you start to worry/get anxious about the fact that you might have another panic attack soon. It's a very torturous emotional state that you can't understand unless you live it. Fortunately, my only recent attacks have occurred when I was sleeping and in the safety of my own bed. It's almost as though my body has forgotten how to panic in public. I'm sure I will recall such memories when times get more stressed, but right now I am honestly not worried about it. Pfew! I never thought that I would ever get to this point in being able to manage this. In fact, the thing I am worried about most for this weekend is the fact that my faithful garmin is in "a coma" and I may have to estimate my mileage for the first time in weeks. I have become addicted to the many statistics that this little watch has provided me lately. Now I have to revert back to my good ol' I-pod, where I time my water and fuel breaks by the number of songs I have listened to. I'm still fascinated by all the little mental games I need to play in order to get myself through a run, and despite the fact that I actually love running.

On a more humorous note, in my rush out the door this evening, I accidentally put my running pants on backwards! They felt a little strange, which made me wonder if I had recently gained some weight; but when I stepped out of the truck and searched for a key pocket, I discovered the tags....in the front!! LOL! Lucky me, the park restrooms were open so I only had to run with ill-fitting pants for about 3/4 of a mile. :)

Yep...I'm definitely myself again...